The big “D” word: Divorce. It’s the one word that no person thinks about on their wedding day. Or before their wedding day. Or as a means to escape their marriage. Who gets married thinking they have a safety net anyway? Well, isn’t that why we get married, to have a “safety net” of being married to the one person that you’ll be with until death do you part?
I’ve never did things the easy way when I was young. Nope. Flying by the seat of my pants was more my style. Going to college after high school? Nah. I’d rather work and hang out with my high school boyfriend until he tried to strangle me in a drunken rage, that is. At least I finally went to college. At night. While working. Going to lunch with a girl from work? Why not stop by the recruiter’s office and join the Air Force?! Where do I sign up? Oh, and I only have an hour for lunch, so can we hurry this along? Dating someone? I know – have a baby, then buy a house and get married! What could possibly go wrong?
I have a confession to make. Joining the Air Force on a whim proved to be the best fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants thing I’ve ever done and was job I’ve ever had. The greatest group of people ever – they were like family – were stationed with me in Colorado.
Divorce wasn’t even a thought in my head when I got married. We were happily raising Juston and our family unit seemed secure. Looking back, we should have dated more or spent more time focusing on our marriage. Scott and I are good parents, nobody can ever say we weren’t. Together we raised one hell of a kid.
Somewhere along the line though, we lost our way. Maybe we got comfortable with each other, like a comfy pair of slippers. The spark was gone: I’m not sure it was ever there. We grew apart in all those years focusing on Juston. The closer Juston came to graduating, the more I started thinking is this it? Marriage is about friendship, but that’s not the only thing. Respect, love, kindness, passion-those are all important as well. While we had most of that, something big was missing. Therapy is what finally broke the straw. I was the one to suggest therapy to address and fix things. Oh, it fixed it alright.
I’ve always believed that Scott was a good guy, and he still is. He’s just wasn’t my good guy.
Fast forward to today. It’s Thursday and I’ve had a rough couple weeks at work and I’m mentally tired. Scrolling through my Facebook page, relaxing my brain, I’m greeted by a beautiful picture from Nice, France that was shared by Coastal Living. Serene. My brain was thinking how enjoyable it would be to sit there and listen to the waves.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the quote that went with this picturesque view. “At some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you.” I knew the quote immediately without looking at the author. It was like seeing someone I haven’t seen in a long time. Flooded with so many emotions in an instant, my eyes welled with tears. Just great.
Pre-divorce, the movie Eat, Pray, Love struck a chord in me…still makes me cry. I could feel what Elizabeth Gilbert (Julia Roberts) was going through in her marriage. Struggling with the similar emotions and feelings, it gave me hope that one day I would find peace and contentment.
At the end of a long week, when I don’t have anything else going on, I like to snuggle up on the sofa with Daphne and watch some movie I’ve seen a million times. Sometimes the movie will make me happy: “Oh my God, the bend and snap-works every time! (Legally Blonde)” or “Hey, psycho – we’re not even gonna discuss this, Ok, it’s over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and the break up. (The Wedding Singer)” Typically though it’s to purge. Nothing makes you feel better than a good cry when no one can see your ugly cry face. Under the Tuscan Sun? I’ve seen it a hundred times: cry every single time.
Watching Eat, Pray, Love pre-divorce gave me an outlet for my emotions, allowing me to sort through the swirling thoughts in my head about my marriage and myself without having to actually say anything. I haven’t watched the movie in a long time. I’m still searching for serenity. Not everyone has the luxury of running off to Italy, India and Indonesia for a year to find themselves. Post-divorce? I’m still working on it, one short trip at a time.